OWEN SHOCK MOVE TO QPR

The football world was shocked today by the sudden reversal of interests at Old Trafford, when former Manchester United signing Michael Owen completed a dream move to Championship outfit Queens Park Rangers.

A fuming Alex Fergusson, first team coach of the current premiership champions, was furious at today's press conference, when he announced his retirement and burst into tears, admitting his frustration at being 'mugged' as he put it.

An undisclosed fee, thought to be a record breaking £290 million, convinced Owen that QPR were the team to join and sealed Fergie's fate. Having failed to show up for training at United's Old Trafford Ground, Owen reported to Loftus Road, where he met with representatives of the Hoops' management.

Fergie, delerious with rage, stormed 'Aye cannae believe it son, there's nae justice in this worruld. What hope have we got of winning any silverweare noo? We dinnae stand a chance'

Owen, who is thought to be on wages of £800,000 a week, with bonuses for goals scored and appearances, performed his U-turn at the eleventh hour. He said at this mornings' press conference 'I'm sorry for Alex, but I had to follow my heart. I really feel that the England boss will sit up and take notice of me now. I'm in the best form of my life'

QPR finished 12th last season and threw away a chance of a play off spot after some sloppy defensive mistakes akin to those seen performed by 5 year olds in a playground kick-about.

Manchester United won the Premiership last season and their cabinet is full of trophies.

Owen has obviously gone insane.

Spar Prepares for Formula One Grand Prix

It may be six weeks away but preparations for a major F1 Championship race have to start early. 30th August sees the F1 championship returning to the driver’s favourite circuit at Spar, Shiphay, Belgium.
Track co-owner Pierre L’Herrine has a lot of work to do. “We’ve already had to move the fridges and we will have to find somewhere else to stack yesterday’s papers”.
Martin Brundle absolutely loves this circuit “there are a great series of corners towards the end of the lap, past the lottery stand into the right hand sweeping bends of the alcohol section and then the exit into the pit straight by the video rental stand provides a real opportunity to overtake.”
Jaques Villeneuve spoke of his memories at a particular fast corner in the depths of the post office end of the circuit. “All drivers want to take the envelope Stand corner flat out but as I found out in 2002 you can come a cropper there”. Villenueve revealed “The envelope stand corner is the most demanding of all formula one corners, the grip is low and there can be queuing from time to time”.
Known by most fans as the best viewing spot at Spar, the Bakery is also making provision for the busy weekend at the end of August “We’ll have the oven on the whole weekend” said Elena L’Herrine, head of F1 hospitality “We’re also going to order an extra box of Doritos in for that weekend. Although there’ll be an increase in international shoppers, some of our regulars normally stay away as they don’t like the noise”. The bakery stand has the best view of the bread straight and then the chicane and the exit to the magazine racks.
The Spar circuit is also making extra provision for the expected influx of fans and celebrities from around the globe. “We are going to put a couple of cones outside such that we should be able to save two or three spaces” said Spar circuit co-owner Christophe L’Herrine.
The Belgian Grand Prix at Spar has the advantage of tobacco advertising by stealth. “We’re not covering up the cigarette stand” said head of Spar Marshalling, Phillipe L’Herrine. “Luckily the Tobacco companies like the free advertising and as such have given us a great deal for the whole month of August !! Smokers can damage their lungs for an absolute bargain”
Red Bull have also erected a stand specially for the grand prix weekend. “Spar is a very special circuit for us” said Red Bull supreme Dietrich Mateschitz. Our car has the advantage at the lower temperature parts near the dairy fridges and the drinks cabinets which of course will be well stocked with Red Bull”.
One place the drivers always like about returning to Spar is the Bus Stop. “The bus stop has changed over the years but still remains a memorable experience” said former F1 World Champion Damon Hill. “The new run off area should prevent the traffic that has occurred in past years”.

ALGRA MOON TESTS IMPROVE ATHLETIC TEAM PERFORMANCE

Algra’s recent moon tests have made a fantastic improvement to Team GB’s hopes in the next Olympics.“100m in under 5 seconds was achieved in a head wind on the moon”, Algra’s Sport Scientist Lucas Aide announced yesterday. “The next phase is to work out how we can create moon atmospheric conditions in London. We will look to try to create a momentary black hole to suck the runners to the finish line really quickly. We have successfully trialled this with athletes in the Cern Ring, Geneva, but the only surviving athlete suffered a brain injury so he is unable to remember why his arms and legs were melted off. High Alloy protective Armour didn’t work as it seemed to create an electromagnetic implosion, leaving only a minute residue of athlete on the inside of the armour.” Algra continues to receive applications from athletes meaning that there is still a good pool of talent ready for testing, but there were other reasons given for the reduced athlete intake so far this month “We have had to scale down the tests as we are running out of space on the memorial.”

AUSSIE WINS GRAND PRIX

Mark Webber put down his can of Fosters and picked up his Red Bull today to steam to a superb victory today in the German F1 Grand Prix at the Nurburgring. He was so fast that his shrimp was still on the barbie when the race finished. Webber, who's ancestors no doubt went to Australia some 200 years ago with a ball and chain attached, was ecstatic. "Bloody fantastic mate, G'Day, wanna go walkabout and drink some tinnies with me pals and beat up some Abers" said the true professional . "And then I'll probably have to watch Neighbours with me Sheila".

This was Mark Webber's first F1 race victory, marking the end of a 12 year drought in the sport.

Bernie Ecclestine was also well pleased "that boy did great, it's a shame there'll be no British Grand Prix next year, and I can't wait to marry my 17 year old fiance"